Effort = Rewards*
*Not always
My notes app is filled with small snippets over the past 2 years but never had the will to complete them. This is one of them that I’ve completed today. It is utter chaos and jibberish.
When life changes, it takes some time to get your bearing again. In between, you wallow, sulk, and laugh. Documented one such occasion, and wanted to share them with you.
“ Three years have gone pursuing this dream, did I know I’ll never make it deep down and still pushed forward like soldiers making their last stand?”
Why did I put so much into a thing that I never fulfilled and failed miserably? The sleepless nights working towards it feel like such a sour memory now.
I’ve been someone who has always believed that with the right amount of work, you can achieve anything. This has been my base for all these years. But when that changed! Boy did it hurt bad. I don’t think my idealistic self was ready for a reality check. Putting your best and doing everything possible and it still not being good enough to make it? As I came out of that random-ass college a while back with this feeling, I just wanted to be buried and not take up another task again. And I did the next best thing, Got drunk to weather the pain. But a bandage isn’t enough for a flesh wound. There are moments in life when you don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, there are moments when you feel stuck and no matter what you do, the way is down. This was it for me. I had prepared at least three contingency plans for this very moment. But when it happened, I was clueless like a reindeer in front of a speeding car, just ‘standing’.
I started erasing this failed thing out of my mind, with zero mention of it for a while. I reported every ad that I got for it, unsubscribed to all the mails, and just wiped it out of existence like it never happened. But honestly, you can’t completely get rid of it. It stays with you, In bits and pieces in ways you never expected. I was having a random conversation with someone and they made me realize that this feeling of hopelessness captured every single thing I’ve endeavored into and failed. So it was a heavy thing to let go of.
So, how do you make peace with this? Let me know if you find the answer. It’s been 6 months since this happened. Yes, I’ve done everything by the book, worked, reached out to friends, played every sport there is, and hit the gym when possible, but it hasn’t been enough. Hopefully, the good days are near. Till then, going to marinate in this stupid feeling.
It’s funny that I’ve written soo much but haven’t really mentioned what it actually was. Tale for another time.
It’s been a while since I’ve written something, Don’t be too harsh on me okay?